Roles and Rules

    This week I'm going to talk about the roles we had and responsibilities that were given to us as we were growing up. Now I grew up as the oldest child in a very strict household, and often times I was deemed the "trouble maker" or the "burnout". I had a record of bad grades at school and a list of issues at home. Often times when report card season rolled around I always had my phone taken away from me, and very often I was grounded for bad grades. At the time that was probably the worst thing that they could have done to help me because I was already struggling with mental illness. Just after my sophomore year of high school, we decided that we needed to get me evaluated for learning disorders. I was officially diagnosed with ADHD and then a list of reading and comprehension disorders. Suddenly my parents changed their tune about how they went about grades, suddenly they weren't the most important thing in the world and they became a lot more understanding. I was now the second child in the family with learning disabilities. All of this was very frustrating for me at the time, I felt like I had to scream to even have my struggle acknowledged. I no longer became the troublemaker or the burnout, once I had my accommodations met then I had the best school year of my life and I turned into a different person for the better. I still carry the role of a child with learning disabilities and school is still a struggle for me, but it's much better than what it used to be. 

    My sister, on the other hand, earned the role of the star child. Straight A student, after-school activities, you name it. She could do no real wrong in my parent's eyes. Same with my little brother, however, he is autistic and the youngest, so of course, they see him as an angel. I think oftentimes what happens in situations like this, is that parents will be very harsh on the oldest because that's where a lot of their efforts are focused. Then when it comes to parenting the youngest kids, there is less effort with discipline because of the use of energy with the oldest. As someone who grew up in this scenario, I think it can be hurtful and confusing for older children to grow up with. It also sets a double standard for the oldest as well. 

    I think that it's incredibly important to keep the same standard for all kids unless there is a disability that requires specific accommodations. I also think that it's just as important to treat your kids as friends as it is to treat them like children. It's important for your kids to be able to come to you with exciting and scary news and the only way to do that is to allow a safe environment to take place in the home. I think that often time parents go into this authoritative mode where they are looking to correct behavior rather than the first reaction to be understanding. It's also important to note that mental health is just as important, if not more so than the children. The reason I say this is because when we see behavior that is rebellious or harmful, we turn to the parents to see how they react towards these kinds of behaviors. I think 9/10 times, we will find inappropriate reactions from the parent that the kids have picked up from them, or the child has learned that the parent is not a safe place and treats them as such. If the parent is not in the right mindset to be a proper parent, then it's important to get help for them.