Effective Communication

 Over the week, I learned some very effective and helpful strategies to help de-escalate and solve problems effectively. There is a model that I was shown called the 5 secrets of effective communication. The first thing you want to do when you are in an argument with someone is to disarm rather than be defensive. It's essential to find the truth behind what the other person is saying, even if you think it's false. The second step is empathy. Having empathy will allow you to see the situation from their point of view and give you a perspective that you may not have considered before. Try to paraphrase what the other person has said about the situation and be mindful and acknowledge their feelings about it. It's important to understand that they might be upset at you and feel unheard, so validating what they are experiencing can do a lot for them. The third step is to apply inquiry, asking gentle probing questions will not only help you understand their side of the story, but it will resolve the conflict a lot faster. The fourth step is one that I have heard many therapists and professionals recommend using, and it's called the "I feel" statement, it's arguably one of the most important and popular methods of communication and conflict resolution. When you are in the heat of the moment and tensions are high, it's important to stay grounded. Phrasing things like "You never do this" can be hurtful and put the other person in a defensive position and they are less likely to hear the other out. Instead, phrasing things like "I feel this when you do this" opens up the conversation to a more relaxed listening environment. Shutting a person down with harsh and hurtful statements is never the way to go about bringing up a conflict. At that point, you are basically asking to fight, and if that's what you're looking for then that's a whole other issue. The final step is to have respect and verbally appreciate their concern, letting the other person feel like they can trust you with what is being said is very important to them. Even if you feel that they are still in the wrong, remembering that it's ok to disagree on certain topics is alright, no one has to agree on everything 100% of the time. But what if you are the one that is wanting to bring up the conflicting topic or problem. All of these steps still apply, however you should focus more on the respect and "I feel" statements. But the best thing to do before you bring up a conflict with someone is to take some time for yourself and collect your thoughts, be assertive in your words but kind with your concerns. 

I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year now and recently we have hit a rocky area in our relationship. We are doing a lot better now but for a few weeks, we fought about a lot of stupid things. We have learned good conflict resolution and we've both recognized that we needed to create a safe space where both of us can kindly tell the other what is bothering us and how we want it fixed. One of the things that I have learned throughout my life is that regardless of how big or small the conflict is, leaving things off on a good note can prevent any future fights. My boyfriend made it clear to me that he wanted to make me feel like I could talk to him about what was bothering me, and in doing so he made sure that all of our needs were met in the process. That is what is most important at the end of the day,