Stress in Relationships

 I want to talk about how stress should be handled in a family dynamic. There's a term that is going around that is starting to become very common, and for good reason. Emotional incest is when a family member, usually a parent, will depend on their child or someone in the family that they are not married to and rely on them emotionally the same way you would rely on a spouse. I've seen cases of this, and it is a form of abuse in my opinion. The most common instance I see is a mother who is too emotionally close to her son and will infringe on his relationship with his girlfriend or spouse. This can cause a lot of unnecessary tension in a marriage and in a relationship with the parent. One of the things I have recently learned is that no matter how close a parent may be to their children, that parent cannot rely on that child for emotional support. That is what a spouse or therapist is for. A lot of the time, things like this will happen because the parent does not have a close relationship with their spouse and will turn to their children in order to connect and destress. It's important to note that children who do grow up in emotional incest relationships have a bad sense of boundaries and have a hard time standing up for themselves or even saying no to their parents as adults. 

A good rule to have for a married couple is that the parents and the child form a triangle, and the parents should always have the closest connection to each other's points and the child should be a little more distant. Otherwise, it is an unhealthy family dynamic. Something I think we can all relate to is when we were experiencing lockdown during the pandemic. Everyone was under a lot of stress during that time and there were interesting findings from it. Families grew closer together if they had a healthy dynamic, but if they didn't, then that stress dramatically increased. Domestic violence cases skyrocketed and it was mainly due to the stay-at-home orders put in place. 

Before the pandemic, my sister and I had a very unhealthy relationship. I know people would tell me now that it was just sibling rivalry, but those people never actually witnessed the kind of relationship I had with her. For privacy purposes, I won't get into the nitty-gritty details, but it was very toxic, and the parents didn't do anything to intervene when they should have. I was in my senior year at the time and she was a sophomore. I had always had to drive her to school and that is where a majority of our fights broke out. When the pandemic hit, we had to move to online learning, which meant that she and I would have to be in our home office doing schoolwork in the same room. It was very intimidating at first, mainly because I struggle with confrontation and I didn't know how to cope with being in her presence all the time. Fortunately, for the most part, we ignored each other. My mom on the other hand thought it would be a good idea for us to get some exercise together. We would leave the house and go on walks, go to the gas station to get drinks, play with our dog, etc. Over time we actually got to know each other more and more, and somehow we started getting along. I think the reason was that we were able to come together in a very stressful situation. We were able to get away from the regular stressors of school and actually get to know each other. 

I think it's important to keep an open mind when we have a bad relationship with a family member, always be willing to forgive but never allow yourself to be walked all over.